Belonging vs Significance

07 Mar 2025

“It just doesn’t feel right to me.”

Seriously? After everyone has come to an agreement, you want to be so entitled and disagree—just because it “doesn’t feel right”? What’s wrong with you?

That’s exactly how I felt about a colleague of mine. To me, he was just being stubborn and unreasonable, refusing to go along with the team. But man, was I wrong.

One day, we had to decide whether to expel a student whose misbehavior had crossed the line. Six out of seven teachers agreed: he had to go. But this colleague of mine? He shook his head and said, “It just doesn’t feel right.” My blood boiled.

Then he explained, “He’s a troublemaker, yes. But that’s only because he comes from a broken family. If we’re not here to support him, who will?” The room went silent. In the end, the student stayed and started weekly counseling.

That moment changed how I saw him forever. It also showed me the difference between a Leader and an Evolver—those who seek consensus versus those who stand for what’s right, even when they stand alone.

To understand those terms, you first need to grasp the difference between belonging vs. significance.

In my past blog posts, I’ve covered The Four Primal Human Desires and the contrast between variety vs. certainty.

Now, let’s dive into belonging vs. significance. Do your decisions revolve around gaining a sense of belonging? Or personal significance?

Imagine a leader in a group. Their job is to constantly look after their team in order to keep everyone together. That’s why, in NXT Personality Ninja, people who seek belonging are called Leaders. (This doesn’t mean they’re always in leadership roles, but they act the way a leader would—focusing on others.)

On the flip side, those who crave significance are called Evolvers. To stand out, you have to be different, which often means pushing yourself to grow. That’s why people who prioritize significance tend to value personal growth, always pushing themselves to evolve.

Honestly... the guy in the suit stands out more than Big Bird! 😂

Leader vs. Evolver

So what differences do Leaders and Evolvers have? Let's take a look:

1. Fitting In vs. Being Yourself

• Leaders care a lot about what others think of them. They pay close attention to social norms and expectations, adjusting their behavior to align with what’s considered acceptable. Their sense of belonging comes from meeting these external standards.
• Evolvers, on the other hand, focus on staying true to themselves. They don’t shape their opinions or actions based on what’s popular—they go with what feels right or reasonable to them. Instead of adjusting to fit in, they’d rather stand apart and own who they are.

2. Group Consensus vs. Personal Opinion

• Leaders value harmony and teamwork. They consider what others want before deciding, seeking feedback to maintain group support. Even if they don’t ask directly, they factor in what others might think.
• Evolvers put their own opinions first. They make decisions based on what makes sense to them, even if most people disagree. They respect others’ views, but they won’t change their stance just to go with the crowd.

3. Wanting Unity vs. Wanting Individuality

• Leaders love when everyone is on the same page. They don’t mind ignoring their own wants for the group’s sake and expect others to do the same. To them, sticking together matters more than personal differences.
• Evolvers, on the other hand, like to be themselves. They don’t expect everyone to agree or act the same way, and they respect when others do their own thing too. They’d rather embrace differences than force unity.

4. Fear of Losing the Group vs. Fear of Losing Yourself

• Leaders worry about being left out. Their biggest fear is losing their place in the group, so they spend a lot of time wondering, “Do they like me?” or “Will they judge me?” They want to be accepted, so they’re always aware of how they come across.
• Evolvers fear losing their sense of self. They care more about staying true to who they are than about fitting in. Instead of worrying about what others think, they ask themselves, “Am I being real?” They’d rather stand alone than change just to be liked.

5. Talking About Others vs. Talking About Yourself

• Leaders tend to talk about others—friends, family, coworkers—rather than themselves. If you ask about their vacation, they might share a funny story about someone they went with instead of their own experience.
• Evolvers, on the other hand, naturally talk about their own thoughts and feelings. If you ask them about their family or friends, they might still bring the conversation back to how they personally felt or what they learned from the experience.

So, are you a Leader or an Evolver?

Before you decide, don’t just use a single moment as conclusive evidence. Leaders might sometimes stand for their personal values and opinions too, just as how Evolvers care about the thoughts of those who matter deeply to them.

But as a general pattern—do you tend to consider what others think? Or do you check in with your own beliefs and reasoning first?

Recognizing these differences is the first step to overcoming our negative tendencies. Unhealthy Leaders may come across as fake or overly eager to please, while unhealthy Evolvers might seem selfish, putting their own wants above the group’s needs.

Becoming aware of these tendencies helps us break out of autopilot, so that we can take small, conscious steps each day to make our lives better, and a little happier.